Just go ahead, Admiral
by Tonyandtheboys
Summary: Oh God, how he regretted he'd said those words. Gaila's last conversation was recorded on the Farragut. And now, Captain J.T Kirk's crew is watching it. "And he's a warrior. You'll see, he'll do it. He'll pull us through this."- Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

First time I try writing something in this fandom, don't be too hard on me!  
So, this was supposed to be longer, but I chose to post it as a one-shot first. If the flashes popping in my head don't disappear soon, I'll probably post a second chapter to conclude it for good.

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He didn't know why he'd said it. He really had no idea. It's not that he didn't think it through. Maybe it was because he was so exhausted. Maybe it was because he just wanted _something_ good to happen that day, anything. Maybe it was because he didn't want to walk away from his team. Not after the horrible fucking day they'd had. Not now.

All he knew was that he'd said it. And he shouldn't have.

"Just go ahead, Admiral."

God, he'd said it without a second thought. That in itself showed how unfocused he'd been. McCoy was patching up his hand (the Captain had refused to make a stop by sickbay first), and the whole team was still on edge. He just wanted the Admiral to show whatever he wanted to show and let them be.

But he should've payed closer attention. Damn it, he usually did!

Pike was a clever man, so he probably had his reasons to insist that much.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Captain. You should see this privat-"

"Just go ahead, Admiral."

Damn, he should have shut his mouth and listened.

But he was so damned tired. They had just retrieved the last kids from "the camp" and he knew he should be glad because he had saved them. The _Enterprise_ had saved them. They were _safe_, aboard the ship. But he couldn't be _satisfied_. He'd seen the way they'd been treated. He'd seen the camp, the storage rooms where they slept, ate and cried their fucking conscience out.

His memory kept jumbling past and present together and he hadn't been paying attention to the signals in the Admiral's voice.

He didn't understand why Pike didn't want to say or show or read whatever the hell he wanted to say or show or read to him in front of the entire crew.

But Captain James T. Kirk had cut through the doubt with a "Just go ahead, Admiral." And so the Admiral pinched his lips and nodded.

Oh God, how he regretted he'd said those words.

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He didn't recognize the scene at first. But then his mind caught up with the holo and he felt himself stiffen and straighten up on the chair, making McCoy swear and order him still so he could finish whatever he was doing on his left hand. Then _Nyota_ understood and she gasped and spun in her chair to face the large screen full on. That caught the doctor's attention and he finally deigned to look up.

"Holly shit."

Truer words were never spoken. Or that would have been Jim's thought if he even _was _aware of his direct surrounding.

_No no no no no no._

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"Stop talking about your damn sex friends, Orion chick!"

The guy on the left lower corner said to the beautiful, _beautiful_ woman on the other side of the room.

The Captain felt something lurch forward in his chest and he only noticed he was clenching his fists harder than his wound allowed when McCoy noticed and touched his wrist softly to call him back. Jim didn't even glance his way, his attention so totally, unflinchingly focused on the screen.

"Holovids from the surveillance cameras of the Farragut?" Sulu guessed, disbelieving.

"In all probability, just after the first and most effective hit on the ship by the Narada," Spock added, always one for the details.

But Jim wasn't listening to them. The holovid was of bad quality and in black and white, but there she was, on the upper right corner of the screen, in the middle of what looked like an engineering room that had served for battle. She was sitting on the floor, and was holding a man -human, for all Jim could see- between her legs. He was giving her his back and was leaning on her, clearly wounded in the stomach as he was holding his middle. She was stroking his hair, Gaila. Beautiful, sweet Gaila.

"Don't talk to her like that," the wounded man said with difficulty, and Jim felt a surge of fierce approval.

It was immediately washed away by such a powerful mixture of regret, guilt, pain and sadness, that he knew he should be glad to be sitting.

Damn. He knew how this ended.

"He's not my sex friend. He's my little survivor."

_No no no no no._

Her voice was just as fierce as it was sweet. It was clear and loud, but Jim thought he could hear _something_ in it. Something that twisted at his chest and made him feel uneasy.

"And he's a warrior. You'll see, he'll do it. He'll pull us through this."

There was such unbreakable faith and determination in her words that Jim though she was talking directly to him. Just like she had, all those times at the academy, when they slipped out of the main buildings to hide behind bushes and get high while staring at the stars. She would look at him and say, "_you and I, we're the same. We're survivors._" And he'd know she was right.

"I swear to God I'll hit someone if you don't shut up about that Jim fucking Kirk already!" the first man said, and Jim didn't even register the gasp and the stares as the name rung in the room.

"Don't _talk to _her-" the lying, wounded man tried to defend again, but his words stumbled upon a coughing fit and he couldn't finish his thought. That was when Jim realized how young the man -the _boy_- looked and sounded.

"Shh, Palmer, don't talk. Just listen to my voice," she was so soft and gentle that anyone not _really_ knowing her wouldn't have recognized the bubbly, perky and sensual Orion girl from the Academy. The smart engineer girl who could kick anyone's ass but preferred to make love and ignore the gossips.

"I'm telling you, Palmer, he'll find a way. He'll understand what this means. A lightning storm in space," she huffed as if it was a cosmic joke she had just understood, "he's already on it as we speak, I'm sure. And he'll save us, Palmer."

She was so calm, so sure, stroking his hair to soothe him.

This was killing Jim, he realized. The words, the meaning, the faith. It was killing him. And yet he didn't move. He didn't even take away his hand from where it still was in McCoy's grasp. He was perfectly still as he stared at her face. He was trying so hard to focus on her soft features. To imagine the green of her skin and the vibrant red of her hair. It didn't look bright enough, in black and white. It look banal and sad and this was _not_ Gaila.

Fuck, this was killing him.

How could Pike do that to him? Why –

"How do you know?" Palmer's voice was weak but it held something like... hope? That only pushed the knife further into Jim's chest.

"How do I know? I know because I told him I loved him, little one. And he didn't say anything back."

She seemed almost content at was she said. Almost. But Jim heard the pain behind the words. It was the flutter in her tone. He had heard her talk so much over the last years that he knew every step of her dancing voice enough to _notice_. She was wounded too. Maybe bleeding. Maybe dying.

His eyes checked every inch of her body, searching for a sign that she had been hit by something, but he couldn't see anything. Helplessness crept through his spin. If he didn't know where she was hurt, how could he help her? He tried to focus harder but his brain wasn't working. How could he ever help anyone like that? Damn it.

Jim didn't realize McCoy had said his name. Once. Twice.

"Wha-?" The kid didn't have enough strength to even try and talk now, he seemed almost sleepy, his head falling on the side some more. Gaila kept stroking. The third man, the farthest away from them, almost hidden by the wreckage didn't seem able to move, but he was quiet now, his eyes still open and black and shining.

"Because he understands what I mean, Palmer. Because we're the same. Jimmy and I, we're survivors."

"'m tired, Gai."

"No, you're not. Listen to me. Just listen to my voice, when I finish my story, someone will find us. I sent the message, they'll hear us and they'll come to get us. But I have to finish my story."

Palmer just nodded, and Gaila's hand stopped stroking to go brush away something from her own cheek.

"Don't you want to know why I say that? Why we understand?"

Palmer didn't answer this time, and something seemed to break in Gaila's body because she made a jerking movement and Jim wanted to reach out and touch her but he _couldn't._

Palmer wasn't moving anymore. He was unnaturally still. His chest no longer going up and down, his hands no longer nervously clenching his stomach.

The silence stretched on, and in the Bridge, not a sound disrupted it either. Then –

"Tell me why."

It was the first man. The one removed on his own corner, alone, broken, by himself.

"I want to know why."

Gaila looked like she was trying to smile, but the quality of the vid was so bad Jim couldn't be sure.

"It's because ," her voice was not as loud, not as clear, and Jim was begging her to stop talking and to save her strength. _Please, stop talking. _"This is nothing compared to what we've already lived, human boy. We grew up two seperate -" she took a second to breathe deeply and shook her head softly, but she didn't re-open her eyes. "- lives in two separate worlds, but we have both known … things."

Her mouth said things, but her tone said _horrible, horrible_ things.

"I just survived, you know. But he... he is a hero. Since he was a kid... already a hero and... it didn't break him... us. Stronger. Genius. Trust him... save us. all"

She had more and more trouble breathing and talking, and once again, Jim begged in his head. For the third time in his whole life, he begged.

And just like the two first times, he knew it wouldn't work.

"Nyota my... dear, dearest b-best friend. She doesn't... doesn't see it. Thinks it's … sex."

He could see it now. She tried to snort at the very notion but blood ended up splattering her face. Her hands went to clean it like an automate.

"She so..." she kept talking, trying to tell her story, to keep the other man focused.

Jim had stopped begging. _You fool_, he thought instead.

"smart but... doesn't see the courage and..."

"It's okay, Orion chick," the man said softly, and he could actually talk without problem. Jim hated him for it.

"No you have to know," Gaila looked adamant and Jim suddenly thought that this_, this _was what would break him for good. She opened her eyes just then, as if to show that it was _not _over.

"I love them s-so much. I, the _Orion slave,_ l—love th-."

"I get it, Gaila. It's okay. They probably love you too," the guy tried to stop her, as awkwardly as it was, as tired an attempt as it was, he tried.

Jim felt so tired.

So tired and angry.

"I know. She lo—oves me and he- he loves _everyone_. Loves l—life so much. That's why. He -"

"Jim for God's sake!"

.

This time Leonard pulled so hard on his arm that Jim couldn't miss it. His head snapped to his left, but McCoy was looking at Uhura. Only then did the Captain hear it. See it. His Communication Officer was sobbing.

Nyota Uhura. Crying gut wrenching sobs that she tried to stop by placating both hands on her mouth. She didn't even try to dry her tears, she just wanted to keep quiet so she could hear.

Jim knew he should, but didn't look around to evaluate the state of the others.

"Enough," he said, his voice lower and more raucous than normal. Nobody reacted. "I said that's _enough_."

Chekov – not logical and composed Spock – _Chekov_ was the one that stopped the holovid at his Captain's order. Admiral Pike's picture came back full screen, and Jim realized this had barely taken seconds, and not the eternity it had felt like. Pike's face was grim and closed, and his eyes looked at Kirk's as if trying to gauge the man's reaction while preparing for a wild beast's attack.

"I owe you an apology, Admiral," Jim said, his voice still all broken and wrong, but strong and powerful, "for I should have listened to your advise. I will take the rest as well as our communication to a private room now, if you're okay with it."

"Kirk, it's okay if you want to-"

"Ensign Chekov, send the communication and transmission to my ready room and protect the feed from any external viewers. Mr. Spock, please take Lieutenant Uhura to her rooms or to sickbay. Mr. Sulu, you have the con."

McCoy tried to protest, he did, with all his southern swearing and hidden worries, but Jim was nowhere to be seen. Captain James T. Kirk was leading his ship.

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So?

Should I just stay away from Star Trek for ever or should I give it a try?


	2. Chapter 2 - Answers Or lack thereof

Hey everyone. I'm back.

This is the final chapter, but it's not really a conclusion. You'll see what I mean :)

And thank you _Ducks In Top Hats_ for betaing the chapter. And for having such a cool FF name.

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McCoy barely looked up when Spock arrived. He was always so straight and tall it tired Leonard just to watch.

"You are on the floor," Spock noted.

Leonard gave him the "you don't say!" look and shook his head. He still had trouble not hypo-ing the damn hobgoblin on sight despite Jim's assurances that the Vulcan had done what he'd thought was right by marooning him (yes, that hadn't sat well with Jim's best friend).

Ignoring the standing Vulcan, Bones let his head go back on the door he was leaning on. And then he heard it again.

Spock's head snapped up at the sound, his eyes staring at the door as if he could see through it.

Sobs. A woman's sobs.

Coming from the Captain's private quarters.

Sobs and coughing. And a man's voice that wasn't Kirk's saying something.

"The Captain is still watching the holovid, then."

"Damn Pike and his damn torture vids," was the only answer he received.

And then there was silence for a while. To McCoy's surprise, Spock didn't seem interested in leaving. He stood there, his hands clasped behind his back and his attention focused on the Captain's door. They didn't say anything though. They just listened.

They listened to the sobs stopping, and they listened to the pacing, to the noise it made to destroy everything material in a room. They listened to the "_I'm fucking sorry"_s and to the explosion they knew to be the Farragut's last moment. And then they listened to it again, and again, and McCoy had his face in his hands, shaking his head as he grumbled "this is not healthy" and Spock was nodding his agreement. No, the Captain re-watching the last moments of a friend again and again was probably not healthy at all.

McCoy didn't know how long he stayed there, only that his ass was killing him and that his shift was officially over, so the flask that he had gotten out of his inside pocket was allowed to give him comfort. Spock didn't even comment, which was a damn feat if you asked the doctor. Bones was taking a sip when the door _woosh_-ed open and the Captain, standing tall and strong in his gold uniform, stepped out. McCoy hurried to his feet and tried to touch his shoulder, but the Captain was already walking away, nose down on a PADD he was absolutely focused on. He seemed to only notice the two members of his crew waiting for him when the doctor called his name. He stopped and looked up, and his eyes, though intense and bluer than ever, were dry. McCoy tried to remember the last time he'd seen that kid cry, but came up blank.

"Bones, Spock? Is everything okay?"

Bones snorted. This kid was really unbelievable.

"Why did he send you the vid?"

Something sharp passed in Jim's eyes, but it was gone before Leonard had the time to understand it. His friend pinched his lips a second and turned around, eyes back on his PADD.

"You should go to your room, Bones, you told me earlier you were dead on your feet and your shift is over now," Jim said, his voice authoritative though this wasn't an order. Sometimes, Bones thought that Jim didn't even realize it. How his tone changed, how his eyes grew commanding and his very posture straightened. Jim didn't need to pull rank to send people running to obey.

"Mr. Spock, how long until we've reached Earth?" the Captain asked without looking up.

The Captain and his First Officer disappeared behind a corner, and Leonard didn't try to follow them. He knew Jim. He knew when his shields were up and it would do nothing to insist and prod and ask questions. So Bones let him go.

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The only other time anyone talked about that vid was the next day. Bones had been hovering around the bridge, not even caring enough to give a reason for his presence (nobody asked anyway) when Uhura's shift ended and her replacement took her seat. She was about to leave when she suddenly turned around and placed herself before the Captain, her face serious and confident like it always was when she was actually nervous but resolved. Jim raised a curious eyebrow, but she didn't say anything.

"Yes, Lieutenant Uhura, may I help you?"

McCoy would have used her title too, she was in business mode through and through.

"I want to watch it."

I didn't take a genius to understand _what_ she wanted to watch, and Jim -who actually was one- seemed immediately put off. Suddenly, he looked like a blank wall, remote and untouchable. Bones had already seen that happen, once or twice, in their years as roommates at the academy. He'd figured he had touched a nerve and backed off. Nyota didn't seem ready to do the same.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Leonard glanced around and spotted the looks Sulu and Chekov exchanged discreetly. Everyone was trying hard not to turn and stare, and for the first time in his life, Bones regretted the absence of Spock on the bridge. The First Officer was always the one ordering everyone back to work when they were distracted.

"Why? I have a right to see it. She was _my_ best friend," she had started calmly but their was something childish there. As if she was jealous or petty about it, which Bones knew perfectly well wasn't the truth. Uhura was heartbroken at the loss of her friend, and seeing Gaila's last moments the day earlier had probably destroyed every effort to move on she'd managed until then.

"Your personal relationship with Gaila has nothing to do with the fact that -"

"Admiral Pike sent you the vid because of _your_ personal relationship with her!"

Kirk let her finish and didn't answer for a while, his expression, if not calm, was controlled, but his eyes were not. They were darker and wilder than just a moment earlier, and Bones had only noticed such a shade when Jim was drunk beyond his mind and he'd had to drag his ass back in the academy's dorm without waking anyone (it had only happened twice, but it was memorable enough).

"I am not discussing the reason he sent me the holovid with you or anyone in this room, though you _are_ mistaken. The vid is need-to-know, and you don't." Jim was doing it, that thing where his voice changed slightly and his shoulder broadened and his face became like a stone. That thing that sent people around him running to do whatever he'd asked because he was the Captain, and he was to be obeyed.

"It wasn't need-to-know _yesterday,_" Uhura bat back, head held high and eyebrows raised.

"Admiral Pike left the decision to my discretion. I will not allow you to watch it. If you want to complain, you can take it directly to Admiral Pike. However, I should warn you he will not go against me on this. This is my decision, and it is final, Lieutenant."

No one, even snarky, brave, Nyota Uhura, ever dared go against James Tiberius Kirk when his attention was so focused, his words so sharp, his voice so commanding as it was that very moment.

The lieutenant nodded stiffly and left without another word, and when Bones approached to try and talk to his friend, Jim just _looked_ at him. His eyes... they were not seeing him, they were way beyond that. McCoy bit his tongue to keep from asking what the hell was going on in that crowded head of his, and just watched as Jim waited a few minutes then took his PADD and began working on it again.

.

It had been two days now, and Jim had still not let go of his PADD. He was always working on it, his head down, his face set on a frown, his lips pinched. On the bridge, when he ate, in his room, everywhere he went, he brought his PADD. That didn't mean he wasn't paying attention to the rest, of course. Jim was too smart to dash off his duties for a new obsession, so he was always there, present, listening to the reports, giving instructions, looking over his team on the bridge. But when he made sure everything was okay, he looked back down on his lap where the PADD always was, and he started again.

Leonard could generally see what was on there (he had peeked), but he didn't understand it. Formulas and schemes, dozens of them, filled up the screen. Jim read them, corrected them, added new ones, then he stopped and went to his ready room. Inevitably he would come back with a frustrated, dark expression and start again. No one knew what happened in the ready room.

The only times he wasn't working were when he was with the kids. That had been a whole new experience for the crew of the Enterprise. Most of them had helped carry them into the starship and had _seen_ how they had been treated in "the camp", so everyone had been on edge and a bit tense around them. Just because they _knew_.

Jim wasn't.

Jim walked into their dorms (which were stockage rooms converted for the occasion) as if he was home. He went to them, made sure they had everything they needed to be as comfortable as possible, talked to them, laughed with them... and sometimes he just sat there silently with the less talkative ones. On those cases, he'd just sit on the floor and entertain them silently.

The first time Bones had seen him do it, it was with a small yellow ball. He just played with it, threw it in the air, against the walls, and somehow he managed to make a show out of just a ball and his skills. Even the kids who tried not to care always ended up looking at him. Then he'd get up, promise he'd be back soon, and leave. He'd do it a few times a day, and Bones wondered why he was so surprised at Jim's ease with kids, he was just an overgrown teenager himself after all, wasn't he? He snorted at the thought but something deep inside him just _knew_ there was something more beneath the surface. Something big, bad and ugly that Jim wasn't showing... and then they were back on Earth. Just in time for the ceremony.

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Ah, the ceremony.

Whoever was in charge had decided to wait for the reparations of the Academy to be over to hold a commemorative ceremony. Of course, they chose the exact place where – a few months earlier – Romulans from an alternate universe's future had nearly destroyed the planet. Bones didn't doubt they'd chosen that exact spot to say "they tried to bring us down but look at us, we're here, stronger than ever". He wasn't entirely sure about the truth of such a statement though. The Academy had lost so many ships, so many people, and _students... _how did that make them stronger? He looked up at the man sitting beside him. Jim and he were waiting for the shuttle that should arrive any minute to take them to the crew of the Enterprise.

Jim, good Captain that he was, had given his crew a choice in a ship-wide message from the bridge just the day before they arrived. Protocol wanted the whole crew to stay together, but they could go stand with their families or friends if they wanted. The Academy shouldn't dictate how to grieve properly, even if it left the Enterprise's section (all ships would be directed to theirs on arrival) deserted. As he observed his best friend carefully, Leonard wondered if he realized that the crew _was_ a family.

As incredibly corny as it sounded, McCoy knew it was true. He could feel it in the way people interacted with each other. He could see it in the way everyone came together, he could see it in the way random crew-mate from engineering or communication would arrive at sickbay and brave his glare to ask "_Is the Captain alright, Doctor_?" with worry. To say Bones had been surprised the first time it happened would be the understatement of the year. It appeared the Captain had been seen more than once at odd hours, working on his PADD and not even noticing when people passed him by. And the crew loved him, Leonard knew. They loved en respected him even though he was too young, too brash, too green. Because he trusted them back a hundred and ten percent. And... "_Jim loves __**everyone**_". McCoy remembered the last words of Gaila and sighed.

"Are you okay, Bones?"

Leonard rolled his eyes. Jim looked up and frowned when there was no answer, his eyes doing a quick once-over to make sure of the doctor's physical integrity. Bones rolled his eyes again. Trust the idiot to worry about a _doctor_ because he had _sighed _but not give a hint about what was troubling _him._

The shuttle arrived and they got in, greeted by the whole bridge crew (only Bones and Jim had stayed on the Enterprise to make sure the kids were taken care of). Jim turned the PADD off and put it away, choosing to talk and smile and overall ease the palpable tension there was on the way to the academy. Bones knew that if someone had the power to make the day go faster, it would be Jim.

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There was a huge statue in the middle of the park, and a stage had been set up just next to it, with hundreds of chairs before it. Starfleet had always been very efficient at throwing those kinds of gatherings. Bones noted that no paparazzi had been allowed beyond a certain parameter and was glad not to see any of the vultures hovering around when so many people were openly grieving their losses.

Bones knew Kirk was going to join him very soon when people began to scatter away. As a Captain, he'd had to go stand with the big wigs when they told their speeches. He never budged from his place on the stage, looking as solemn as the other Captains around him, but with something more in his eyes. Something haunted and deep and familiar, something that he looked like he was used to feel. Bones had nearly missed the unveiling of the statue, so focused his attention was on his best friend. But he'd heard the sharp intake of breath of a man by his side (was it Chekov or Sulu?) and he'd had to look up.

It was the statue of a faceless man. He was standing, his head turned upward in the direction the Narada had arrived from a few months back. He had a phaser in one hand, but was extending the other one, palm up and opened, as if offering his hand to someone on the ground, ready to help them onto their feet. He was wearing a non-descript Starfleet uniform -there was no colour to guess the function. This statue could be representing anyone, that was probably their idea. There was no face, no rank, nothing. "He" could be anything remotely humanoid. But the extended hand, the high-held chin, the defensive phaser... the values the statue was supposed to symbolise were clear... and Bones wondered who they were trying to kid

As he looked around to observe the faces of the dozen, _hundred,_ people present, he wondered if he really was the only one who could clearly see Jim's face on the smooth marble.

.

"Let's," Kirk said when he finally arrived by McCoy and Uhura's side.

Chekov and Sulu, who had been talking to a few crew-mates, were coming back too. Jim glanced around thoughtfully and Leonard wondered if he was just now realizing that the crew of the Enterprise had stuck together during the ceremony. They had _chosen_ to. They had just started going their ways, because the official ceremony was over and people were gathering in small groups to talk and reminisce or whatever. But Bones was not going anywhere without Jim.

As a group, the five of them started walking toward the large plaques people were circling. There were four of them, back to back to form a square so large and proud it could have been a piece of art if there weren't so many names engraved on it. Leonard made himself look and _read_ because damnit, these people deserved his attention even if he felt useless and pathetic. He knew so many of the names he read that he felt dizzy for a second. He hadn't realized... He sighed. He should have.

Finally detaching his eyes from the stone, he looked at the people who had become his friends and frowned. He was much older than them, he had seen ugly, heartbreaking things before he even thought about joining the Academy. Being a doctor, a trauma surgeon to be more precise, did that to you. But kids like Chekov (seventeen, Goddamnit!) or Uhura, they had not been prepared for this. Not before they had even graduated. Most of the people with their names on that stone... they hadn't been given a chance to even try.

Leonard wondered how Jim was taking this. "_He loves life so much,_" Gaila had said. McCoy had never thought of it that way. Jim was the guy who didn't believe in no-win scenarios. Jim was the guy that would throw himself directly in the line of fire anytime, for anyone. He already had. And for _every_one. How could the Admiral send him that holovid? Did he not understand? It couldn't have been anything but torture to him. To watch and to _know_ there was no way to stop what was happening.

They stayed there a long time, walking around the four plaques, reading, remembering and grieving. Crazy Scott had arrived too, followed by Spock, who had been talking to a group of Vulcan elders. And then it was time to go.

They were all silent, walking away, when something McCoy couldn't -but probably should've-expected happened.

"Hey, you!" a man called from behind.

They turned, surprised, and McCoy was pretty sure he had never seen the man in dress uniform that was jogging their way. He was short and his brown hair seemed impossible to control despite the ton of gel he'd put on them. His brows were set in a frown and there was something familiar in his ways. Bones squinted his eyes. He knew this expression. He had seen it so many times on Kirk's face in their first year at the Academy. It was his "I want to find trouble and kick some ass" face. The one that came with "_Hey, Bones, let's hit the bar tonight_," and that predicted that they'd end up with three angry guys trying to smash Jim's head open with a bottle of Jack while Bones tried to calm them down and Jim returned their punches with a feral smile.

The Captain turned around last, and Bones looked at him to try and see if he knew the man. It took a few seconds before recognition dawned in Jim's eyes. He extended an arm to push Bones back. The doctor hadn't even realized he'd put himself between the man and his best friend.

"You! Kirk."

There was spite in the way he said the name. It was uncalled for and provocative and it brought Leonard back to the years he'd been at the Academy and some people were so jealous of Jim's genius and annoyed by his devil-may-care attitude that they hated him.

"Do you know who I am?" the man, now in front of them, asked. He glanced at the people surrounding Jim and the only one who seemed to catch his attention -even if it was only for a second- was Uhura.

"Yes," Jim answered, not exactly cold, but reserved.

Bones tried to analyse the one word answer. Was it resignation or defiance he heard? What the hell was happening? This was a damn memorial, who the hell was that guy to try to start something on such a day?  
The man seemed surprised that Jim actually knew him.

"Where the hell were you when this happened?" he asked, motioning to the four plaques they had left behind.

"Hey, what are you talking about? Who are you?" Sulu intervened before Uhura or Bones had the time to act on the sudden flare of anger the accusing voice of the stranger sparked.

Jim passed a hand in his hair and sighed.

"Just go ahead guys, I am sure Ensign Beardsley just wants to talk."

Nobody obeyed, and Kirk just sighed and shook his head before he walked away, expecting the guy to follow. He did.

"Anyone knows what's happening here?" Scotty asked as he tugged on his dress uniform's collar uncomfortably.

The others shrugged but Spock's eyes were locked on the Ensign and his apathetic stare was so focused Bones wouldn't have been surprised if the man caught on fire all of a sudden. He could understand though. He didn't like the First Officer, but he knew the Vulcan did care about the Captain, in his own, twisted, logical way. And this was not the day to mess with Jim. Hell, half the crew had been praying not to cross any kind of ship on their way home because Jim hadn't been in the mood. Since that damn holovid. Since _Gaila_.

"So, where were you? We waited. Hours. _She_ waited for you."

"I know. I'm sorry," Jim said quietly. His voice was clear though, he was not backing down. "Thank you for staying with her and for trying-"

"How the hell do you know that?" Beardsley seemed so angry all of a sudden. "Why do you speak as if you were there?"

"I wasn't. I _know_ I wasn't, but I know what happened."

"Because you fucking know everything, don't you? She said you were a genius. Believed it till the end. She said you'd understand and come and _help her_."

"Oh my God," it was Uhura, whispering as she watched the scene unfold and heard every word the two men were saying (the were way too close to have any kind of privacy). "Oh my God," she repeated. "It's his voice. The man from the vid. The one with Gaila!" her hand shot to her mouth as she stared.

A weight fell on McCoy's chest as he watched the exchange with new eyes.

"I didn't know then-"

"You didn't know the Farragut had been hit? You didn't know we were with the first wave of ships to arrive on the scene and be attacked? How could you _not_ know?"

Jim clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, the man was on a roll and for some unknown reason, Kirk wanted to let him get it all out.

"Oh, maybe you thought we were all dead? Except we sent a message. No, you know what, _she_ fucking found a way to send a message. And she didn't try to warn anyone. No, she wanted to tell _you!"_ he jabbed his finger in the Captain's chest, and McCoy was only vaguely aware that Scotty was stopping Uhura and Spock from intervening.

"You don't want to do this, Ensign," Jim said, still soft and forgiving and deep and so far away in his own head.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me what I can and cannot do. You _betrayed_ her."

"I am glad she had you by her side," Kirk went on.

"We waited and when help arrived it was _too late_ and I was _alone." _

"I am glad someone was there to listen to her last words," the Captain added. His voice was solemn and strong and his eyes were _looking_ into the ensign's as if he was expecting to see something there, or to _put_ something there.

"And I saw my ship _explode _from the rescue vessel-"

"I am glad you are alive to be angry for her death."

"And she was _dead_!" the man ended up yelling and Uhura gasped.

There was a long moment of silence then. The man was breathing hard, as if he had been running for days, and he looked angry and exhausted at once. Jim was just accepting it. Fleetingly, Bones thought that his friend looked like he knew exactly how the other man felt.

"Where were you when she called for help?" Beardsley resumed, face down, in a whisper McCoy barely heard. He looked defeated.

"I was on another planet."

Bones thought he had seen Spock tense in his peripheral vision. The ensign looked up, half-heartedly surprised.

"I was on another planet when she called. I was taking control of my ship when Palmer died. I was on the enemy vessel when she started crying," Jim listed. "I don't know how I could have helped her," something broke in his voice as he repeated, "I just don't _know_."

And that was it, McCoy realized. That, just there, was the reason Jim spent all his time on his PADD, working. James Tiberius Kirk didn't believe in no-win scenarios. He didn't believe in losing without a chance. He didn't believe that he couldn't have saved his friend. If he'd been smarter, better, faster. It was an epiphany. Bones understood everything now. The formulas, the schemes. Jim was playing with the variables, trying to find _what_ he could – _should_- have done differently that would have saved her.

_Damn it, Jim_.

Bones didn't doubt one second that Gaila's death was no one's fault but Nero's. But what would happen when Jim realized it? Would he even admit it, eventually? Could he face himself with the knowledge that there wasn't _always_ a way? It would change everything. His vision of life. Bones didn't even have the time to dwell on this apocalyptic idea when a sudden fear gripped him. And what if Jim _never_ gave up? Would he become obsessed? Would this eat him from the inside? How many times had Bones seen it around him, doctors obsessed with a mysterious illness, with never ending researches and sleepless nights pondering every possible scenario... A white wale that drove them mad.

Bones's head was spinning with questions and possibilities, but then it stopped. Another question popped in his head. There was worse. What if Jim did find an answer? That would mean that he could have done something to save her. That he _could_ have but _didn't. _

"She trusted you," Beardsley simply said. "She trusted you'd save her."

"No!"

Bones was surprised to see Uhura had somehow jumped forward and was now walking toward the two men.

"No, you are wrong. She trusted he'd save _everyone_. And he did. She said that he'd understand and that he'd _find a way_ and he was so reckless and courageous and incredibly stupid that he _did_."

Bones hadn't realized he was by her side until he had grabbed her hand to stop her from drawing even closer into the man's personal space.

"She said he was a hero and a warrior, and he _is_. He wasn't there because he was bringing her killer down. You have _no right_ to accuse him!"

McCoy couldn't say he was surprised Uhura was defending the Captain. For all her eye rolls and snarky remarks, she had come to respect him. Even though the last few days had been tense between them (he was acting normally but she was ignoring him royally). What did surprise him though was _how_ she defended him. Her words, her body language, the way she kept trying to put herself between the two men... the intensity of it all was unexpected. She looked like she was defending him to more than just one man. Who was she trying to really convince? Herself? No, that couldn't be it, she had never seemed to blame him.

"It's okay, Nyota," Kirk said, still composed, still calm.

He looked like the only one not about to explode. And how was that even possible? The kid was always the first one to over-react!

"Please give us another minute," he added, this time looking directly at Bones.

Leonard felt compelled to obey, and he pulled the communication officer by the hand to take her away. Jim's reassuring smile was probably the only thing that made her comply.

"She's Gaila's best friend," Jim said, not exactly as a way of explanation but as if it was necessary to make it clear. It meant 'she loved her too'.

"I thought she hated you," Beardsley said, almost accusingly.

"No, she just thought she did."

Bones and Uhura had joined the others, and the doctor decided that if Jim really wanted privacy, they should give it to him. So he walked away, asking the whole group to follow him with a look. Chekov seemed sad and Sulu looked more solemn and serious than Bones thought was possible for him. Scotty nodded and was the first to leave, but Uhura needed to be pulled, her eyes going back to the two men as if drawn to a magnet. No. Wait. She wasn't looking at _them_. She was staring at _him, _Jim. Was _he_ the one she had been trying to convince?

Spock was the last one not budging. He was standing, very straight and composed, hands behind his back, staring at the two men. Than, just like that, he turned away and walked purposefully, as if he had taken the decision not to intervene after weighing the options, and was following it.

They were out of earshot now (although when Spock's head snapped toward Jim and he squinted his eyes for no reason at all, Bones wondered if his hearing was _that_ good), and they stopped and just stood there, in the middle of the academy park, waiting. They weren't going anywhere without their Captain. People were coming and going, alone or in small groups, but Bones found he didn't have it in him to care. He felt like he had to keep an eye on his best friend. The kid always found a way to get in trouble. From their spot, they had a clear visual on the two men, and Spock was only a second quicker than him to jump forward when they saw Beardsley move forward, fist raised. This time, Scotty was the one to hold them back.

"Let him handle it, doc, he's a grown man. And a good one, at that."

"Damn it, why did we move so far? We can't hear what's happening," Leonard grumbled unhappily. The others were smart enough not to remind him _he_ had been the one that wanted to give them space.

"The Captain is explaining he does not intend to fight," came Spock's neutral voice.

The Commander was looking straight at Jim and Beardsley, seemingly not paying any attention to the five other people around him. Hah, the bastard hobglobin _did_ worry. Jim had stopped the fist coming his way easily, with one hand, and he dodged the other one just as effortlessly. It wasn't clear, but it seemed like he was blocking the man now, holding both his arms.

"Jim," Spock said, and Bones still couldn't get over the fact that the Vulcan was on first name basis with the very man he had marooned, "seems to believe that the Ensign is -and I quote- angry, frustrated, messed up, and just wants to take it out on someone." The words sounded weird coming from his mouth.

"We shouldn't eavesdrop," Sulu said half-heartedly.

Nobody really agreed, but Spock didn't add anything anyway. Bones could see the ensign trying to get away. Trying to push Jim or hit him, but Kirk was the master at dirty fights. He didn't give him a chance. Then Beardsley was forced to pull away when a man with a lame leg drew closer to them.

"Is that the Admiral?" Sulu asked, surprised by the turn of event.

Admiral Pike was glaring at Kirk, or at least it looked like he was. He put a hand on the neck of the other man and before they knew it Uhura was rushing forward, ready to defend her Captain once more.

The rest of them exchanged hesitating looks, but it was pretty obvious that no one really wanted to stay away from the action. McCoy sighed. He had started to get used to how nosy just about everyone was in the bridge crew anyway. They took off after Nyota and finally joined the two other men. The situation was not quite what they'd thought, and it was obvious Pike wasn't mad at Kirk (which would have been ridiculous). He seemed to have understood what was happening from afar and had come to make sure things didn't get out of control. The hand he'd put on the Ensign had been as much an incentive to get a grip as a tolerant, sympathetic proof that he felt his pain. Pike had always been good at reading situations and adapting. Plus, he _excelled_ at being the understanding authority (Jim's very presence at the Academy was proof of that).

Bones didn't know what had already passed between them, but by the time every one was awkwardly standing around the ensign again, the man was not looking at Jim anymore. He kept his eyes averted and his hands digging in his pockets, shoulders high in a defensive stance that reminded McCoy of a kid who wouldn't admit he was wrong.

"I will be staying in town for a few days, you know where to find me if you need anything else," Jim said, his eyes as bright as ever, his tone clear.

Bones knew his friend enough to see he held no resentment toward Beardsley. His words were sincere and he actually looked like he hoped the man would take him up on his offer. There was the same kind of understanding in his eyes as in Pike's, but it seemed more intimate.

Bones didn't get it though._ What was the point of this_? Why the hell did that man even bother confront Jim? He didn't look like he actually expected answers. The situation didn't seem to have improved at all. It was all useless and hurt had seemed like the only likely outcome for everyone. Was that what he'd wanted? Bones didn't like _not_ understanding stuff, but he was the kind of man that could accept not having the answers. What _was_ frustrating was that Jim seemed to actually find the whole thing normal. As if he had somewhat been expecting this (which, though he was a genius, Leonard couldn't believe).

"If that is all, I need to have a word with your Captain. Do you always move in group or is that possible?" the Admiral asked at large, an amused glint in his eyes.

Jim put on a smile for show and followed his superior as he made to move, but then they were both stopped by a last outcry.

"What did she mean," ensign Beardsley's question came from deep inside his chest and McCoy wondered what was coming next. Hadn't that man had enough already? "What did she mean, when she said you'd survived worse? She said you would save us like you saved so many others before. What was she talking about?"

That actually got McCoy's attention. Even Spock's (pointy) ears seemed to prick up. Nobody missed the look Pike and Jim exchanged, and Bones realized that whatever had happened, the admiral knew about it. And if the doctor wasn't sure he liked the idea of not knowing something that important about his best friend's past, he was _certain_ he didn't like how Jim's whole body stiffened momentarily before he looked back and smiled a fake, practiced smile.

McCoy had actually been curious about that too. He hadn't seen the whole holovid, but just in the extract they'd all watched on the bridge, he had heard Gaila's praises. He had heard her say he'd always been a hero, even as a kid. Leonard hadn't been sure he'd heard right. He had just saved the information in a compartment of his brain for later use, because that was simply not the most pressing matter at the time.

The ensign had asked the question with a scowl, as if he resented his own curiosity. As if he was asking because Gaila had said something he didn't understand and it was unacceptable that he didn't fully comprehend the _last_ things she said. Even if they had never really been friends before. He had been the last man she'd talked to. He had been with her as she _died_. He probably felt responsible for _something_.

"I'm not sure I know what she was talking about," Jim said with fake ease.

Seeing as how Leonard's trained eyes spotted a muscle twitch in his friend's neck, he wondered how hard it was to say that. The Captain had looked like he had wanted to be sincere with the ensign from the second he had spotted him. Jim had admitted to that man things he hadn't said to any of his team. But this subject... this, he had apparently decided, was off limits.

And as Jim and Pike walked away and Beardsley shook his head and went in the opposite direction, there was one thing Leonard McCoy could feel in his gut was certain.

"He is lying," Nyota said.

Whatever Gaila had meant was bad. Because those people, gathered around him right now? They were the closest thing Jim had to a family. And yet he, James Tiberius Kirk, had just lied to their faces.

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* * *

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**Hope you're not disappointed. **

**Tell me what you think!**


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